


Nightmares and Bad Memories

by happychica



Series: A Crystal Hewn From Stone [4]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Destroy Ending (Mass Effect), Headcanon, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:13:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29804118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happychica/pseuds/happychica
Summary: "It’d been years, safe here on a planet nobody wanted to visit anyway.  But anything could call up those horrible memories.  And this time, the monsters had caught one of them alone."
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Series: A Crystal Hewn From Stone [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2148366
Kudos: 2





	Nightmares and Bad Memories

**Author's Note:**

> My Beta was the most awesome [nwfairy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nwfairy).

“It’s really amazing what they’ve been able to uncover, and in such a short time. I know that the Krogan felt that no one ever took them seriously, but the level of culture that could have been lost, that almost was lost, just because the psychological effects of the Genophage were never properly studied. It’s a little concerning that the STG never thought to take that into account with their annual review.”

“More than a little, especially if they went ahead with their plans to uplift the Yahg.”

Liara shuddered and glared at him. “You’re as bad as Garrus.”

John chuckled and palmed open the front door to his home. “Shadow Broker or not, I would have thought Liara T’soni would know the likelihood of encountering a species that once tried to bite off her head.”

“I have no reason to believe anyone is trying to encourage cultural outreach with the Yahg,” Liara sniffed as she followed him inside. “Though it couldn’t hurt to check with my sources. Just to be sure.”

“Right.” John dropped his pack by the front door and stretched his arms over his head. It was late so no lights were on, but he didn’t need them with the natural light from the big windows high up in the walls. “Mm…it feels good to be home.”

“It is nice to have a proper shower and food that doesn’t come in a bar,” Liara agreed. “I still can’t believe the amount of detail in those wall murals. If the Protheans had left behind anything like that, who knows what we could have learned.”

“Isn’t cave painting a little primitive for the Galactic Empire?” John asked, voice dry. Arms still raised, he leaned to left, sighing. “I can’t believe Javik would approve of such a suggestion.”

“Javik rarely approves of anything.”

“He likes Zaeed.”

“He likes violence.”

Standing upright, John rolled his head from shoulder to shoulder a few times, then shook everything out. “You’d think I wasn’t used to long shuttle rides.”

“You’re getting older, by human standards. I’m sure EDI would cite statistics about vegetables.”

“I eat lots of vegetables. Ask Kaidan.”

“Yes, I know.” Liara followed him as John moved past the sofa nearest the fireplace. “Clever of Miranda to piggyback an agricultural project off Oriana’s biotic compound. It probably helps the humans stay busy, too. You all seem to like plant life, even if some of you claim to dislike nature.”

“Dichotomy of human nature.” John frowned, pausing by the foot of the stairs. “Kaidan?”

Bleary brown eyes looked up. “Hey, there you are.”

He hadn’t noticed the person sitting on the steps, curled up as Kaidan had been. The jacket he’d stolen from John’s side of the closet only helped to hide him, the worn black material blending in with the pool of shadow cast by the balcony above. Head resting against a baluster, body settled into such an uncomfortable position, John wondered how long Kaidan had been there.

Moving forward, he sat on the step next to his husband, studying the haggard appearance. Kaidan’s hair was messy, matching clothes that looked like they’d been slept in. The beginnings of dark circles shadowed his eyes. “What happened?”

“What’d’ya mean?” Kaidan’s gaze drifted to the side. “Hey, Liara.”

“Hello, Kaidan.”

With a hard sniff, Kaidan shifted against the railing. “Can I ask you something, Doc?”

“Of course.”

He gestured toward John. “Can you see him, too?”

John caught the hand mid-wave, confused. “Of course she can see me.”

“Why wouldn’t I be able to see Shepard?” Liara asked, voice gentle.

Kaidan shrugged one shoulder, fishing a mostly empty bottle of whiskey from a lower step and cradling it against his chest. “Sometimes…when we thought…after the Normandy…I thought I’d hear things, you know? Or see something out of the corner of my eye.” He looked over at John, face an awful kind of neutral. “It’s been a rough couple of days. Wasn’t sure…just, wasn’t sure.”

“Liara,” John asked softly, “could you get me a glass of water?”

“Of course.”

Liara’s footsteps retreated. John focused on rubbing his thumb over Kaidan’s knuckles, slow and soft, thinking about what to say. He tried a few times, opening his mouth with each thought, then closing it again when it felt wrong. Kaidan watched him, breath hitching from time to time.

“I knew you’d come back.” When John looked confused, Kaidan swallowed and continued. “From the dig site. I knew you weren’t d…dead.”

“Why would you think I was dead?”

Kaidan sniffed, dropping his gaze to John’s shoulder. “I used to wake up, panicked that it was back after Alchera. That…that Cerberus never brought you back. Or that I’d…lost you. Again.”

John shifted his grip so he was holding Kaidan’s hand properly now. “I’m right here.”

“And you were.” Kaidan played with the whiskey bottle absently. “Never happened when you were sleeping on top of me.” A faint smile. “Guess my imagination wasn’t that good, to disbelieve all that weight.”

“Hey.”

“But sometimes, if you were up doing reports, or when they’d chase me out of your room after…after London. When we first got to Tuchanka and everything was so unsettled and new.” Kaidan swallowed again. “But you were always close by. I could…find you. See you. Get your attention, which almost always meant a hug.”

“I remember. You never told me which nightmare it was that woke you.” John bit his lip at the flash of guilt. “Or maybe I just never asked.”

“Doesn’t matter. Didn’t matter.” Readjusting his head against the railing, Kaidan looked back at him. “The other night…I woke up. Couldn’t breathe, certain you were gone. And you were. At the dig site, doing your restoration work and showing Liara what you’ve learned. But I couldn’t…remember that.” Kaidan clutched the whiskey bottle closer. “I couldn’t make myself believe that you were just…somewhere else. Even tried lying on the floor like Chakwas used to make Joker.” He laughed. “Did you know Joker did that? I found him sprawled out one day after Thessia, swearing his way through counting back from fifty.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“The City of the Ancients is all thick, rock walls. Bad signal.”

John slid a hand along Kaidan’s arm, catching a handful of jacket up by the shoulder and pulling. “Come here.”

Kaidan moved, slowly, collapsing against John as his center of gravity shifted. John tugged the whiskey bottle loose, feeling his chest tighten as Kaidan fought him for a moment, before setting it out of the way. He tucked his miserable love against him, resting his cheek on top of Kaidan’s tousled hair.

“I tried listening to a recording.” Kaidan’s voice was muffled against his chest when he continued. “But that went horribly. I kept…kept voice logs…and stuff, after the SR1 went down. Stupid, just relistening to notes for your reports, or reminders for maintenance. But it hurt -” Kaidan’s voice broke and he buried his face against John’s shoulder. “I missed you. I wanted anything I could have. And…and I pulled up your memo of what to take…on the trip with the kids…but I kept hearing…”

“Shh.” John tightened his hold, arms wrapped around Kaidan to try and shield him from the memories. “Shh, it’s alright. It’s over.”

“I think I yelled at my students. I can’t…really remember, yesterday.” A hitched breath, not quite a sob. “I got home, tried to be busy. Tried to sleep. Kept telling myself you’d be back soon.” A real sob this time. “I couldn’t…believe myself. My chest hurt. And…I know drinking doesn’t help, and Anderson yelled at me last time, f-for wasting my chance when…you couldn’t –“

“I’m here, Kaidan. I’m right here.”

“Biotics…don’t get drunk easy. But I thought I’d try. Just…sleep, till you got back.” A hand twisted the fabric of John’s shirt. “Made it as far as the stairs.”

John blinked against the tears as Kaidan cried, meaningless sounds coming from habit as he rocked them both gently back and forth. It’d been years, safe here on a planet nobody wanted to visit anyway. Giant, violent, ridiculous friends. John’s work in the City of the Ancients; Kaidan’s shift from being a Spectre to working with Jack and Oriana to help the human biotics. But anything could call up those horrible memories. And this time, the monsters had caught one of them alone.

Moonlight caught on Liara’s coat, reminding John they weren’t alone. He sat up, running a hand through Kaidan’s hair as he cleared his throat. Liara walked over, holding the glass out silently.

John dropped a kiss on Kaidan’s head. “Can you drink some water for me?” He smiled at the muffled response. “Please? It’ll help, I promise.”

Kaidan sat up, face worse from crying. “OK.”

Slowly, coaxing, John got most of the water down. Kaidan was fighting to keep his eyes open now, head jerking back up as he tried to focus on the glass John set down next to the abandoned bottle.

“Bedtime.”

A hand refastened to the front of his shirt. “Don’t leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying with you till this passes.”

“And after?” Kaidan sounded so lost. John clenched his jaw against new tears.

“And after, and always.”

He pulled them both to their feet. Steadying Kaidan by keeping him close, John brushed away the wetness on Kaidan’s cheeks.

“Li?”

“Yes, Shepard?”

“Any chance we have tech that can send signals through thick, rock walls?”

“I can find a solution in the morning.”

“You remember where the guest room is?”

Liara smiled. “The guest room that might as well simply be mine?”

“You and Jack do spend a lot of time here.”

Reaching out, Liara touched John’s arm. “Let me handle breakfast.”

John summoned a small smile. “Thanks.”

“Any time.”

They almost made it up the stairs. Kaidan’s grip slackened as his breathing evened out, his coordination diminishing with each step. Bracing himself, John pulled Kaidan’s arm around his neck, sweeping his own arm under Kaidan’s legs to pick the biotic up.

“Mm…John?”

“I’ll be fine. We’re almost there.”

Kaidan hummed, catching his wrist with his other hand to help hold on. “OK.”

A few more steps, then across the hall. John could hear Liara moving around downstairs, talking quietly to someone in her endless web of contacts. Prioritizing her friends as if she didn’t have an entire fleet of lives to keep track of.

Setting Kaidan on his feet, John ducked out from under Kaidan’s arms, making sure his husband landed on the bed as he sat. Kaidan looked up at him, unfocused, and fell sideways, landing just short of the pillow. John smiled, affection beating against the sadness. It was always the gentle souls who tried to go it alone.

John tugged his boots off and tossed them toward the door to their room. Stripping down, he retrieved his sleep pants from the closet. The soft, familiar fabric helped. He sat Kaidan up long enough to free the covers and tug off his jacket. Sleepy Kaidan was uncooperative and heavy. John debated wrangling him out of his pants, but let it go; he could sleep in his clothes one more night.

Kaidan blinked, eyes squinting as autonomic systems tried to decide between alert and asleep. John brushed Kaidan’s hair back from his forehead.

“Lay back down.”

Kaidan hooked his fingers in the waistband of John’s sleep pants. “Hm.”

A soft laugh, even with all the tension. John ran his hands over Kaidan’s head, carding through hair, tugging at ears, running his thumb over an eyebrow. “Lay down.”

This time, Kaidan did. John bent to lift his legs, rolling Kaidan away from the edge of the bed before crawling in beside him.

Kaidan wriggled around until they were facing each other. He tucked himself against John, snuggling close with a sigh. “W’lcome h’m.”

John tugged the blankets up over them. “I missed you, too.”

“Miss…d.” Verbal endearments lost out to exhaustion, replaced by gentle snoring.

Wrapping his arms around Kaidan, pressing a kiss to his forehead, John closed his eyes. No more nightmares, no panic or bad memories. He’d be here when Kaidan woke up this time.


End file.
